I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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