The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
