If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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