I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
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