How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
