somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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