i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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