my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
