I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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