bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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