Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
