i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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