I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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