I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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