From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
