I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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