What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
