I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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