There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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