I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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