Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
