for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
