U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My balls are so social today.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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