I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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