The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
