I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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