Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We need a shit load of segways right now
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
