Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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