I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
