Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
