He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
