if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
