this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
