Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
