I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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