he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
