as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
