i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
