i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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