Fine. I'll sleep in my office
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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