You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you inspire me to be a worse person
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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