I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
