his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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