I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
