I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I have fence marks all over my body
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
