So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
