Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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