There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
