Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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