Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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