You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
