ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
