Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
wanna go halves on a baby?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
