I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
