Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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